741-741

This is a text crisis line that I had to use this evening. They are there for anyone in crisis, for any reason.  For me, tonight I am feeling so depressed and anxious. Feels like my mental pain will never end. I just started a new med so we have yet to see how it is going to work.

I am debating changing psychiatrists. Mine when it comes to my anxiety she has said there is nothing left she can do and if it continues I need to go in patient. Ain’t happening. At all. There has to be an answer out there. I have a friend that has a dr she really likes I am going to try for at the very least a second opinion.

I just feel so lost sometimes. And I can’t be completely honest with my therapist because she can tell my psych what I say even when I don’t want anyone else to know. Some things just need to stay between a therapist and client. As long as there is no harm in the situation there shouldn’t be a problem. I am going to check out the legalities here. Surely there is some sort of privilege.

Not my therapist, but overall I am still ready for a change. The person on the other end of the crisis line, Luri, was extremely helpful. I got a new coping mechanism. If it doesn’t involve sight, close my eyes.  Focus on ONE sense. How something feel. The way the water moves over your skin. That kind of thing. Pet your dog and focus on the dog alone. I am still not sure about how sight would work but this was so helpful. Maybe it can help someone else.  REACH out if you need the help. You don’t even need to talk to anyone. Just text. And it is a 24/7 line.

The Day in the Life of a Spoonie

https://butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/

So today, I woke up numerous times during the night in pain. The scale 9 type. That sucks the spoons right of you. So me and pain meds and anti anxiety meds were friends.  Which sucks the spoon right out of you. Luckily, I got some more sleep.  I had to be up a little earlier than usual because I have an appointment (that I had already rescheduled) to get my port flushed. Today there just wasn’t enough spoons for a shower and barely enough for dry shampoo. I am still wearing yesterdays makeup. Once I wake up, I have to feed the dogs and give Taz his insulin, which is draining.  Hurting my poor baby twice a day.  He has no clue why it is happening to him.  Poor guy doesn’t care for needles. Then I left and got my port flushed.  They missed the first time and got it the second. The surgeon inserted it deep. So sometimes they have a hard time getting it. About that time I had a migraine start. Probably the stress of the situation.

I get home and play with the dogs.  They chill with me on the bed a lot so especially when Taz wants to play he gets to. Then the pain got so bad I just had to lay down.  I was hoping I could skip the Maxalt for my migraine. I take it more than am comfortable with. Didn’t work. I woke up when Greg got home for lunch with a killer headache. So I took one. And some other pain meds just to make sure.

I have plans today. I have to see my psychiatrist at 2:30. Non negotiable.  I am about out of a new medicine.  I am supposed to meet with the pastor and his wife later. That will require more brain activity. Not sure I have it in me to make it the far. If Greg wasn’t coming to get me for my appt I don’t know what I would do. I am so blessed to have him.  As of now, I am done. But I have to find spoons somewhere to make it at least through this next appt.

Understanding spoonies and what we go through and are able to do is important. You have friends that go through this. Be courteous and considerate. There is only so much most of us can do.  Some days I have more than others.  Today is not one of those days. I can barely keep my eyes open now. At least all the pain meds has my headache down to a 5. Manageable.

Up All Night

So I have been up since 1. Pain will do that to you. I am just thankful it was not anxiety related. My psychiatrist recently changed my anxiety meds and I feel much better. And not foggy in my brain. So win win.

She also changed up my meds for my bipolar. Added Saphris. Seems to be making a difference. For the last few months I have been yoyoing with my emotions.

Not only that but Taz has been sick. My 12 year old Yorkie. He was dx with diabetes October 29 of last year. His blood sugar had been bad. Like we took good bye pictures and I had a cremator picked out. Then our vet sent us to a specialist. He has worked wonders with my baby. He initially put Taz on 3 units of insulin. He had been on 9. Dr Bondy said he didn't want to chase a number. He wanted to see improvement in his life. Less water intake. Less peeing. Fewer signs of diabetes. There was a change almost immediately. This last visit he did a doggie a1c test which showed his blood sugar has been running low. LOW!!!!! We dropped him to 2.5 units and will retest in 3 weeks.

Taz will also see an ophthalmologist because he has cataracts in both eyes.

Then on top of all that Greg was in KY for 3 months. He got to come home on the weekends or if I needed him. Which I tried to be independent. I had a couple friends help get me places.

Overall I think I did pretty good. No hospitalizations. Which usually happens when Greg is gone. I think Taz needing me helped.

I have started a new work book with my therapist with the ACT method. I see her today. Good luck, right?

The Second Beginning

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton

Up All Night

I've been up since 1 am.  Pain will do that to you.  I am just thankful it is not anxiety keeping me up tonight.  My psychiatrist just changed my anxiety meds again and it seems to be the trick.  My anxiety levels are down and that is a miracle considering all that has been going on in my life the last few months.

First off, my bipolar hasn't been stable.  I've been swinging emotionally, not as bad as before but still swinging.  Dr. just added Saphris to the combo.  It seems to be making me feel really hngngry.  I just have to tell myself it is the medicine..  I am not really hungry.

New adventure

So I have embarked on a new adventure. I just spent 10 days in a psychiatric hospital due to my bipolar. I learned a lot. About me. About coping. About what I need to do to change my life. Bipolar is tough. But I am going to be tougher. I will win. And will not be defeated by this. I met some awesome women there that were fighting similar battles. I am not alone. 

Next week I will start running my days differently. The rest of this week will be doctor appointments. For those that have supported me through this journey, I can never thank you enough. Y'all kept me going. 

Free to be me

I have been using songs a little bit lately. Maybe it is the mood I have been in, or just the way God is communicating with me.

Little bit about me for those that don't know me. I can be different. I am quiet. Until you know, or get me really caffienated. Then I can be chatty. I am not a fan of small talk. And I am pretty picky when it comes to people I let close to me. I learned the hard way you have to be careful on those you let influence you. I think you need to be true to yourself and what you believe. But, since my beliefs aren't mainstream, that can make me an outcast at times.