Pain and God

I have been up all night in pain. I am on my third bath. Two pain meds. And this doesn’t include the migraine I’ve had all day. Times like this it is easy to wonder where God is. If He loves us so much why do we suffer?

I truly believe it is for the good of ourselves and others. We grow during times of trials. Hopefully towards God. And in that growth we can help other people that suffer. I know when I was first diagnosis with all my diagnoses I needed to know it is just me. So I joined FaceBook group and found people just like me. Found friends. There are a few that to this day I still call friend. Ditto when I was diagnosed with Bipolar. I was scared and needed reassurance that I wasn’t crazy. Turns out I am not. My symptoms are normal. I have made a best friend in one of those groups. I have a few more conditions with which I joined groups. There is only one that I haven’t. Which I really need to because the doctor that had me diagnosed via biopsy didn’t exactly explain much to me. 

So why you ask? Why not you? God may have a wonderful ministry for you. He will have something for you that no one else is equipped to accomplished. We each have particular character and flaws. Those form us into who we are today. And tomorrow. How we evolve in life. God’s got you. He has a plan. Just because we don’t see it doesn’t mean it isn’t there. Philippians states that all things work together for good to those that are called according to His purpose. Walk closely with Him and you will be amazed at what you can accomplish. 

No Shame

Despite what some people may think, being bipolar isn’t something to be ashamed over.  I did nothing to deserve or induce it. It is a brain disease. My brain is hard wired incorrectly. So why do I talk about it? Awareness. I went years not knowing what was wrong with me. YEARS. Crazy huh?  No one caught the ups and downs. No matter how extreme. It was just a part of life. Right? No. It isn’t. So if I can save one person from going through what I put my family through I will continue to speak out. I have nothing to be ashamed about.

Why I am not afraid to speak out about my anxiety? My Behcet’s? My fibromyalgia? My Alport? My chronic migraines? Same. If I can save ONE person from the hell I have faced in my life or let one person know they aren’t alone I will continue using my words. Again, I did NOTHING to earn, deserve, or create any of it. Including the anxiety. It is an off shoot of PTSD which I sure didn’t create. You can blame my uncle, a dead pastor, and an ex boyfriend on that. It isn’t something I would wish on my worst enemy.

But you know what, I have so shame. I don’t know when I came to this point. Maybe God brought me here, combined with good therapy and medications. But I know none of it is my fault. So I will not be silenced. I will be speaking more on God, just as a heads up. I am doing more to seek Him. I have struggled with why I have gone through all I have. It has been a heavy load to carry. Which is weird since God tells us to bring our loads to Him and He will carry them. In that I have failed Him. But I believe my calling is life is my life. Helping others is something I want more than the air I breathe. I want other that are suicidal to know they aren’t alone. I have been there. It is something I have struggled with for years. YEARS. YEARS. How I am still here is simply by the grace of God.  I can’t tell you the days that I didn’t think I could survive. You aren’t alone. None of you. You aren’t alone.

So there we go. The entirety of my new blog. I am going to be real. And try to blog often. Just like I am trying to journal. God has lead me down a path and I will walk it. I just hope you will walk it with me. I love you all and wish the best for you. Just know that God can use your struggles for good if you will let Him. And if you ever have questions about the God I speak of, I am here.  For any questions really. Just comment. We can privately talk. Get ahold of me on FaceBook. I am not of Twitter much but I will if that. I will share all my handles next go around. There are numerous ways to get ahold of me. Let’s start with my email.   Katiedids34@gmail.com or mrskatiehall@gmail.com or my cell (text only) 423-291-9307. Let me know who you are or not. We can chat. I will turn off my do not disturb tonight. So I am available whenever. I will get back to you as soon as cell signal allows. Love to you all.

741-741

This is a text crisis line that I had to use this evening. They are there for anyone in crisis, for any reason.  For me, tonight I am feeling so depressed and anxious. Feels like my mental pain will never end. I just started a new med so we have yet to see how it is going to work.

I am debating changing psychiatrists. Mine when it comes to my anxiety she has said there is nothing left she can do and if it continues I need to go in patient. Ain’t happening. At all. There has to be an answer out there. I have a friend that has a dr she really likes I am going to try for at the very least a second opinion.

I just feel so lost sometimes. And I can’t be completely honest with my therapist because she can tell my psych what I say even when I don’t want anyone else to know. Some things just need to stay between a therapist and client. As long as there is no harm in the situation there shouldn’t be a problem. I am going to check out the legalities here. Surely there is some sort of privilege.

Not my therapist, but overall I am still ready for a change. The person on the other end of the crisis line, Luri, was extremely helpful. I got a new coping mechanism. If it doesn’t involve sight, close my eyes.  Focus on ONE sense. How something feel. The way the water moves over your skin. That kind of thing. Pet your dog and focus on the dog alone. I am still not sure about how sight would work but this was so helpful. Maybe it can help someone else.  REACH out if you need the help. You don’t even need to talk to anyone. Just text. And it is a 24/7 line.

The Day in the Life of a Spoonie

https://butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/

So today, I woke up numerous times during the night in pain. The scale 9 type. That sucks the spoons right of you. So me and pain meds and anti anxiety meds were friends.  Which sucks the spoon right out of you. Luckily, I got some more sleep.  I had to be up a little earlier than usual because I have an appointment (that I had already rescheduled) to get my port flushed. Today there just wasn’t enough spoons for a shower and barely enough for dry shampoo. I am still wearing yesterdays makeup. Once I wake up, I have to feed the dogs and give Taz his insulin, which is draining.  Hurting my poor baby twice a day.  He has no clue why it is happening to him.  Poor guy doesn’t care for needles. Then I left and got my port flushed.  They missed the first time and got it the second. The surgeon inserted it deep. So sometimes they have a hard time getting it. About that time I had a migraine start. Probably the stress of the situation.

I get home and play with the dogs.  They chill with me on the bed a lot so especially when Taz wants to play he gets to. Then the pain got so bad I just had to lay down.  I was hoping I could skip the Maxalt for my migraine. I take it more than am comfortable with. Didn’t work. I woke up when Greg got home for lunch with a killer headache. So I took one. And some other pain meds just to make sure.

I have plans today. I have to see my psychiatrist at 2:30. Non negotiable.  I am about out of a new medicine.  I am supposed to meet with the pastor and his wife later. That will require more brain activity. Not sure I have it in me to make it the far. If Greg wasn’t coming to get me for my appt I don’t know what I would do. I am so blessed to have him.  As of now, I am done. But I have to find spoons somewhere to make it at least through this next appt.

Understanding spoonies and what we go through and are able to do is important. You have friends that go through this. Be courteous and considerate. There is only so much most of us can do.  Some days I have more than others.  Today is not one of those days. I can barely keep my eyes open now. At least all the pain meds has my headache down to a 5. Manageable.

Up All Night

So I have been up since 1. Pain will do that to you. I am just thankful it was not anxiety related. My psychiatrist recently changed my anxiety meds and I feel much better. And not foggy in my brain. So win win.

She also changed up my meds for my bipolar. Added Saphris. Seems to be making a difference. For the last few months I have been yoyoing with my emotions.

Not only that but Taz has been sick. My 12 year old Yorkie. He was dx with diabetes October 29 of last year. His blood sugar had been bad. Like we took good bye pictures and I had a cremator picked out. Then our vet sent us to a specialist. He has worked wonders with my baby. He initially put Taz on 3 units of insulin. He had been on 9. Dr Bondy said he didn't want to chase a number. He wanted to see improvement in his life. Less water intake. Less peeing. Fewer signs of diabetes. There was a change almost immediately. This last visit he did a doggie a1c test which showed his blood sugar has been running low. LOW!!!!! We dropped him to 2.5 units and will retest in 3 weeks.

Taz will also see an ophthalmologist because he has cataracts in both eyes.

Then on top of all that Greg was in KY for 3 months. He got to come home on the weekends or if I needed him. Which I tried to be independent. I had a couple friends help get me places.

Overall I think I did pretty good. No hospitalizations. Which usually happens when Greg is gone. I think Taz needing me helped.

I have started a new work book with my therapist with the ACT method. I see her today. Good luck, right?

The Second Beginning

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton

Up All Night

I've been up since 1 am.  Pain will do that to you.  I am just thankful it is not anxiety keeping me up tonight.  My psychiatrist just changed my anxiety meds again and it seems to be the trick.  My anxiety levels are down and that is a miracle considering all that has been going on in my life the last few months.

First off, my bipolar hasn't been stable.  I've been swinging emotionally, not as bad as before but still swinging.  Dr. just added Saphris to the combo.  It seems to be making me feel really hngngry.  I just have to tell myself it is the medicine..  I am not really hungry.