Up All Night

I've been up since 1 am.  Pain will do that to you.  I am just thankful it is not anxiety keeping me up tonight.  My psychiatrist just changed my anxiety meds again and it seems to be the trick.  My anxiety levels are down and that is a miracle considering all that has been going on in my life the last few months.

First off, my bipolar hasn't been stable.  I've been swinging emotionally, not as bad as before but still swinging.  Dr. just added Saphris to the combo.  It seems to be making me feel really hngngry.  I just have to tell myself it is the medicine..  I am not really hungry.

New adventure

So I have embarked on a new adventure. I just spent 10 days in a psychiatric hospital due to my bipolar. I learned a lot. About me. About coping. About what I need to do to change my life. Bipolar is tough. But I am going to be tougher. I will win. And will not be defeated by this. I met some awesome women there that were fighting similar battles. I am not alone. 

Next week I will start running my days differently. The rest of this week will be doctor appointments. For those that have supported me through this journey, I can never thank you enough. Y'all kept me going. 

Free to be me

I have been using songs a little bit lately. Maybe it is the mood I have been in, or just the way God is communicating with me.

Little bit about me for those that don't know me. I can be different. I am quiet. Until you know, or get me really caffienated. Then I can be chatty. I am not a fan of small talk. And I am pretty picky when it comes to people I let close to me. I learned the hard way you have to be careful on those you let influence you. I think you need to be true to yourself and what you believe. But, since my beliefs aren't mainstream, that can make me an outcast at times.

Worn

http://smarturl.it/8bq7jd


This song by Tenth Avenue North is amazing and perfectly describes where my life and faith has been.

Lyrics
'm tired 
I'm worn 
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing

I've made mistakes 
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn

I know I need 
To lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won't let up
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn

And my prayers are wearing thin
I'm worn even before the day begins
I'm worn I've lost my will to fight
I'm worn so heaven come and flood my eyes 

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Yes all that's dead inside will be reborn
Though I'm worn 
Yeah I'm worn

Wow, it has been a while.

Welcome back to my blog.  A lot has changed in my life.  I have changed. I went away because I developed symptoms of bipolar and just didn't know how to deal.  To be honest, I still don't know how to equate God with all the suffering I have been through.  I know there is a way.  I know am learning grace, something I lacked before.  I was harsh.  Especially  with unbelievers.  Now, I know they need love more than me.

Greg and I have settled which is nice.  No moving for a while. We have THREE dogs now.  Taz our yorkie, Samson our bichon, and Abby our pain in the rear German Shepherd.:)I love my babies.

My Behcet's had been in remission until recently.  Now it is creeping back.  Ugh.  Our life is really so day to day.  I never know how I will feel, so we enjoy the good days and try not to feel bad for the bad ones.

I am going to try to get back into blogging so maybe it will take a little off my facebook page. If anyone has any questions feel free to ask!

Faith

Faith seems to be a recurring theme in my life lately. Numerous sermons, comments, and discussions concerning this topic. So.....what is faith? The dictionary defines it as believing without proof. Having full confidence in something. Belief that does not rest on logical proof or material evidence.

Faith is a word thrown around the Christian community often. Faith is essential. We are unable to see God, touch God, or hear God. We have to DECIDE we believe. Simple as that.

Hebrews 11:1  Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see.
2 Through their faith, the people in days of old earned a good reputation.
3 By faith we understand that the entire universe was formed at God’s command, that what we now see did not come from anything that can be seen.
4 It was by faith that Abel brought a more acceptable offering to God than Cain did. Abel’s offering gave evidence that he was a righteous man, and God showed his approval of his gifts. Although Abel is long dead, he still speaks to us by his example of faith.5 It was by faith that Enoch was taken up to heaven without dying—“he disappeared, because God took him.”t For before he was taken up, he was known as a person who pleased God.
6 And it is impossible to please God without faith. Anyone who wants to come to him must believe that God exists and that he rewards those who sincerely seek him.

The rest of the chapter continues on in this same manner. 

Life is HARD. There have been times, when life has tempted me to doubt. When circumstances, or the things I feel, seem to contradict the Word. When life gets confusing, where is your rock? I find such reassurance, having put my faith in Christ, KNOWING how my story ends. I will be in Heaven, praising Him for eternity. I may not have a clue what is going to happen in this life. Let me tell ya, very few of MY plans have worked out. I know that God loves me, that He will use whatever is thrown at me, if I let Him, to bring others to Him. For my future, I know He will be with me. If you chose to believe in Christ and follow Him, He will be there for you too. No matter what. 

What If.....

I have touched on this before, but this is something that has really been going through my head a lot lately. I have found myself making deals with God. Do you ever do that? If You will just make me better, then I will..................WHOA!!!!!! That statement is a BIG problem. In all honesty, there are no guaratees in this life that I will ever see full health. In fact, dare I say, my life nor that of any one of you, will EVER be easy. That is what Jesus said.

John 16:33

New Living Translation (NLT)

³³ I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.”

But it seems to be human nature to want things easy. At least, it seems to be Katie nature. Back to my main point, will I serve Him, If He never heals me? If He nevers gives me a child? Will I remain faithful? To be honest, I haven't. I have grown so incredibly weary. I haven't always done what I should. I haven't always been the person the Lord has called me to be, treated others He how He asks me to. Sometimes I have not stood up for Him and His Word and His Ways the way I knew I should. Being weary in a lousy excuse, in the light of all that He has done.

This is a real question we all need to face, whatever our struggles. Really face. It is easy to flippantly say yes. I once did. But you know what, He is greater than any desire I have, than any pain I have.

There are some steps I am taking to do better. I am getting rid of things in my life that cause me to dwell on the negative aspects of my daily struggles. I am going to push through. I will win, one way or another. In this life or the next. I am saved by grace, washed in the blood of the lamb. I have fallen short, but Jesus's grasp reaches wherever I am.

If anyone else has faced this, Hold Fast to the One that will never let you go. Because if you have trusted in Him, I promise He is holding on to you.