What If.....

I have touched on this before, but this is something that has really been going through my head a lot lately. I have found myself making deals with God. Do you ever do that? If You will just make me better, then I will..................WHOA!!!!!! That statement is a BIG problem. In all honesty, there are no guaratees in this life that I will ever see full health. In fact, dare I say, my life nor that of any one of you, will EVER be easy. That is what Jesus said.

John 16:33

New Living Translation (NLT)

³³ I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.”

But it seems to be human nature to want things easy. At least, it seems to be Katie nature. Back to my main point, will I serve Him, If He never heals me? If He nevers gives me a child? Will I remain faithful? To be honest, I haven't. I have grown so incredibly weary. I haven't always done what I should. I haven't always been the person the Lord has called me to be, treated others He how He asks me to. Sometimes I have not stood up for Him and His Word and His Ways the way I knew I should. Being weary in a lousy excuse, in the light of all that He has done.

This is a real question we all need to face, whatever our struggles. Really face. It is easy to flippantly say yes. I once did. But you know what, He is greater than any desire I have, than any pain I have.

There are some steps I am taking to do better. I am getting rid of things in my life that cause me to dwell on the negative aspects of my daily struggles. I am going to push through. I will win, one way or another. In this life or the next. I am saved by grace, washed in the blood of the lamb. I have fallen short, but Jesus's grasp reaches wherever I am.

If anyone else has faced this, Hold Fast to the One that will never let you go. Because if you have trusted in Him, I promise He is holding on to you. 

I am letting go

This song has really done a number on me. I would strongly suggest listening to it so you understand what in the world I am talking about!! It is beautiful.

I have done quite a bit of praying and thinking lately about where I want my life to be and go. And you know, I have absolutely no clue. Every since I was a kid, I had this picture in my head of what I wanted my life to be. And I promise, the picture in my mind is not really how things have actually turned out. Now, my husband is WAY more awesome than I could have ever imagined. Especially since you only hear women trash theirs. Men can be pretty cool. There are good ones out there, just so all you single women know! Back on track now......I am pushing 30. GASP. By this point, I would have been married almost 10 years, with 4 kids running around. I LOVE children. LOVE them. I would live in ONE town all the time. And I would not struggle to get out of bed most days. I also would not be on chemo most of the times for the last 5 years. Things have not gone as "planned." I could go on and on, but you get the point. But you know, along the way I never adjusted my dreams. I just kept holding onto all my dead plans.

For whatever reason, God has another road for me to travel than the one I planned for me. So I need to let go of my plan. And who am I to say that this course will not work out better? I can guarantee it will not be easier than the one I wanted!! God said we will have tribulation in this world. But you know what? We can have courage in knowing that Jesus Christ has overcome this world. This will be hard. God uses difficult times to build character and bring Him glory. If we LET GO of what we want and go His way. I have been trying to force things for too long. My life is what it is. I am where He has me. I have no clue why. And I probably won't in this life. And I don't need to have my entire life planned out. All that seems to do is really frustrate me. So, I am going to take one day at a time. Right now, my goal is to get in a place where I feel a little better. The new meds are starting to work. Today has been a little rough. After a very bad 2 years, the last 4 weeks have been looking up. I am hoping to start working out again, lightly, soon. I want to find somewhere to volunteer. I need to limit my exposure to people (due to having a low immune system) but I will find somewhere to help. Helping other helps us. I really believe that.

So, talk to me. Comment. Have you ever had trouble letting go, or even realizing that you were holding on? How have you moved past that?