Once I was blind, but now I see

So during my devotional/ Bible study time (I missed my devotional time this morning due to my Lowe’s trip) I had an epiphany. I am uncomfortable with Christ. With even thinking the words Jesus or Christ. I can readily call myself a Christian and to that I have no doubt. But I have been going through these studies that have opened my eyes. A Pruned Branch and 31 Days in the Gospel of John both by Susan Shipe. Today’s devotional was on grace. And approaching the throne of grace through the shed blood of Christ and that is when it dawned on me. I easily share every other part of my life and I will up date health info later in this blog but for now, I need to focus. This is important. The Bible study was great. About the blind man in John that Jesus made the clay and put on the man’s eyes and told to to wash in Siloam and he would be healed. It is a long story and I would suggest you read John 9 for the full backstory but it ends with ONCE I WAS BLIND BUT NOW I SEE. 

I feel like a baby Christian. I am 35 and have been a Christian since I was 17, at one time having memorized much of the Bible. Now I feel like I am starting over. And that is okay. I am excited. Like I was when I got saved. Even as I was journaling about this the devil was putting thoughts in my head that would make me angry and distract me. The Bible talks about taking every thought captive. I am not to the place where I can do that. Or maybe the fact that I know I can’t is a great place to start. Because I need Jesus Christ to do that for me. And you know what. I feel better. So you will see those words more often in my blogs. Jesus Christ. He gave so much for me. I was reading in one of the books the other day that salvation and works are directly tied. You can’t have salvation without works because salvation will drive you to good works. Due to physical limitiations I can’t commit to much but I can share. Share and share and share. I don’t know if anyone at all will read this. I never get feedback but I can do something for the One that gave His all for ME. For me. A lowly sinner. Worthless. He sees worth here. Isn’t that amazing?

My medical update isn’t quite as amazing. I have been exhausted for two weeks. Like bone deep all I can do is sleep tired. It took three doses of caffeine to get me to Lowes and back then I had to nap after lunch. Still jacked up on caffeine. Crazy huh? And then is goes away as quickly as it comes. I am ready for that part. Lol. The magic of disappearing. This isn’t the first time this has happened and probably won’t be the last. I changed anti depressants because of two reasons. I have been depressed for months and my pain is out of this world. Greg hasn’t had to refill my pain pills at their appointed time and I now have 5 left! Isn’t that great? I am changing psychiatrists. I believe. My former psychiatrist has been great just not aggressive. And I need aggressive. Or at least change. I am on too many meds. I want off some of them and he is willing to do that. I already feel less depressed. 

Greg and I are getting ready to embark on a life changing journey. Dr. Ann Meyers has a book call the Autoimmune Solution I believe. It is about completely changing your diet and supplements. It’s more than that but that is where we are starting. Plus there is this place in Nashville that does what is called "functional medicine." Kind of brings tradiontal and natural together. They do genetic and other testing to find the best way to treat and guide you I am really nervous and have dragged my feet getting the online paperwork done. But I will finish it today. I believe God is ordering my steps and as the head of this household this is the path Greg wants to take after much prayer. So I will follow him and Him. I believe God leads Greg. So that makes it easier to follow Greg. Even though I make it difficult for him sometimes. But this I will keep you up to date on.  We are still reading the book and will have an appointment with the clinic as soon as I finish the paperwork. It is time to change my life. I pray to God this works. 

The Whys of Today

I’ve asked this question so many times it is ridiculous. I still don’t completely understand the whys. But I do know I have learned so much from my illnesses. I wouldn’t have been near as empathic as I am now. I am not sure about what  my desire to help others push past what they are going through would have been otherwise. I wouldn’t be seeking God as I am. Although I went through a period of time where I blamed his. 

Now that brings me to a whole other why.  Why did God allow this to happen?  I spent so many years so mad at God. Furious. I never stopped believing in Him. But I stopped believing He loved me. If He loved me He would heal me. It didn’t help that I had gone to a church that believed God always healed. Always. And if He didn’t heal you it was because you didn’t have enough faith. That church was seriously off the mark. Nothing they taught was true. After years of anger, God finally started to soften my heart. We found a great church here in Jackson. That helped. They preach the truth from the BIBLE. Not man made scripture. Or twisted scripture. Hearing about God and who is He helped. He is good. He wanted what is best for us. What is best for us may not be a healing. And on this side of heaven I may never fully understand the why. 

Why.  Well, God can heal. That is shown throughout the Bible. But He also allows some to suffer. For the most part, we are given the stories throughout the Bible of those that He touched and healed. And by touched, I don’t always mean physically. What can we learn from suffering?  Like I said we can learn to be more empathic towards others if we allow. Knowing how we suffer and how much others might be, whether they show it or not may allow us to be kinder. To be gentler. If we allow this lesson. Others harden their hearts which is a shame. We learn reliance and humility. Some of us rely on others for care. Without my husband to take care of me I don’t know where I’d be. It is hard accepting help. Which is where humility comes in. We are humbled. Not humiliated. Just humbled. 

Reliance is the big one though. Not just reliance on others which is big for some of us, but reliance on God. Maybe those of us that are ill would never learn how much we truly need a savior. Someone that has been there. That know what suffering is. Jesus, God, came to earth. Simply to die for our sins. His entire ministry is wrapped up in that. He came to die. Brutally. He suffered horrendously. He knows physical pain. He can empathize. And He did it all for us. Now, if it ended there, then He would be like any other god.  Dead. But He isn’t dead and I can’t begin to tell you how excited this makes me. He snatched the keys to hell and rose again. He is ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Alive people. That makes Him different. He died. Truly died. And now he isn’t dead. For now, the devil roams the earth looking for those he can destroy. But I won’t be one of those. He won’t destroy me. I will follow my Lord. Jesus is coming back and when He does, those that are in Christ, those that have believed in Him. Not just believed honestly but have surrendered to Him will rise with Him. There will be no more suffering. No more pain. 

I will be healed. It may not be on this side of heaven. But it will happen. But for now, I will believe. I will believe that He is a God that cares. A God that loves me beyond anything I can possibly imagine and wants me full surrender. He wants me. Crazy huh? Messed up me. Unfaithful, sinner like me. I am a sinner still. I fail Him daily. Yet He still wants me. 

Now for the big reveal: How do I make it to heaven. It is so simple. He doesn’t make it complicated. You have to believe in Who He is. Who He says He is. Believe he is God come down to earth to die for our sins. Believe you are a sinner in need of a Savior. And simply ask Him into your life. It is that simple. You will change. I did over night but for some it is more gradual. And that is okay.  He is a loving, patient God. And He wants what is best for us. Knowing that makes me want to do better. I can’t tell you the sins He has set me free from. Because He loves me. I will end it on this note. There is nothing greater to add. Believe in Him and you will seal your place in heaven. No one will ever be able to steal that from you. I want to go to heaven. Hell doesn’t sound much fun.