I am letting go

This song has really done a number on me. I would strongly suggest listening to it so you understand what in the world I am talking about!! It is beautiful.

I have done quite a bit of praying and thinking lately about where I want my life to be and go. And you know, I have absolutely no clue. Every since I was a kid, I had this picture in my head of what I wanted my life to be. And I promise, the picture in my mind is not really how things have actually turned out. Now, my husband is WAY more awesome than I could have ever imagined. Especially since you only hear women trash theirs. Men can be pretty cool. There are good ones out there, just so all you single women know! Back on track now......I am pushing 30. GASP. By this point, I would have been married almost 10 years, with 4 kids running around. I LOVE children. LOVE them. I would live in ONE town all the time. And I would not struggle to get out of bed most days. I also would not be on chemo most of the times for the last 5 years. Things have not gone as "planned." I could go on and on, but you get the point. But you know, along the way I never adjusted my dreams. I just kept holding onto all my dead plans.

For whatever reason, God has another road for me to travel than the one I planned for me. So I need to let go of my plan. And who am I to say that this course will not work out better? I can guarantee it will not be easier than the one I wanted!! God said we will have tribulation in this world. But you know what? We can have courage in knowing that Jesus Christ has overcome this world. This will be hard. God uses difficult times to build character and bring Him glory. If we LET GO of what we want and go His way. I have been trying to force things for too long. My life is what it is. I am where He has me. I have no clue why. And I probably won't in this life. And I don't need to have my entire life planned out. All that seems to do is really frustrate me. So, I am going to take one day at a time. Right now, my goal is to get in a place where I feel a little better. The new meds are starting to work. Today has been a little rough. After a very bad 2 years, the last 4 weeks have been looking up. I am hoping to start working out again, lightly, soon. I want to find somewhere to volunteer. I need to limit my exposure to people (due to having a low immune system) but I will find somewhere to help. Helping other helps us. I really believe that.

So, talk to me. Comment. Have you ever had trouble letting go, or even realizing that you were holding on? How have you moved past that?

God's Faithfulness

I keep hearing a certain comment from people. It goes something like "thank God, my test came back okay. He is so good." And this comes from well meaning Christians. And believe me, I am happy for you, that you are healthy. But I have a question, would you still say He is good if the test came back bad? This is a reality I have had to face. I have prayed. I have believed. And yet, I keep get sicker. Has God abandoned me? Quite contrary. We are told in the scripture that we WILL have tribulations in this world. Now, the tribulation for each person is different. We all have our struggles. But there is an amazing promise in that scripture. He has overcome the world! You see, no matter how bad thing happen to look, we can have peace and joy. Even in the midst of pain and uncertainty. Now, It isn't always easy.  But it is possible.

For the new year, I want to learn to give my worries to God more. Taking that step, will not only being me closer to Christ, but bring more peace and joy into my life. And that is how He can use me. If I submit to Him, even when I really don't understand why, or how or anything else about my situation. He knows my future. So if I will just follow Him, He will be faithful. Sometimes, His ways don't always make sense. But you know, I am not God. I don't see the big picture. I believe God will use my life, even with all the trials for His glory. As long as I follow His ways, no matter what the diagnosis. :D

The marriage fairytale

So, I need to vent. Marriage is NOT a fairy tale. Contrary to so many of Hollywood's romance movies. In real life, the guy doesn't come along and constantly sweep his partner off her feet. In a real relationship, life happens. Sometimes there are financial difficulties. Or health problems. Or sometimes you don't agree on important issues. Or one of you don't like an in-law. Life happens. Compromise MUST happen. Chances are you are not going to like some things you partner does. But you know want, it will be this way in EVERY relationship you have. The secret to being happy, is learning to live with some of these. Pick your battles. Chances are you aren't the easiest to live with too! :) hearing the news go on and on about the Kim Kardashian divorce has made me think. All the reasons given for their separation simply come down to them being inflexible, having too high.of expecting, and being extremely  selfish. Their "problems" are nothing unusual. Marriage is not going to be perfect. But if you can accept that, and your spouses flaws, then you have a fighting chance. If there is a problem, TALK about it. It is amazing what communication can accomplish. Greg and I have a rule, if either of us is.feeling heated (usually me), we have a 15 minute rule. We stop talking and walk away. It keep US from saying something we shouldn't. I calm down fast. It isn't hard. How can I be mad at him for anything, when I am just as bad? God has forgiven for so.much worse than what I am upset over and focusing on that, usually does wonders!  Before you go and abandon your marriage.because things aren't exactly how you envisioned it, why not look at your expectations? Or your actions? The grass that looks greener on the other side is just better maintained!

Hope

I have recently been reminded how important hope is. Honestly, I hadn't even noticed that I had lost hope. Hope in the future, of feeling better, just of things changing. Until my husband pointed out that I talk about things like they are finished. It may feel like it, but I am not going to always be sick. Things will change. No matter how bleak today is, there is hope that tomorrow will be better. At least as long as I am alive. Lol.

Do you know how I can be so confident? Because God is a God of hope. Check out Romans 8. But it isn't "hope" if I see it. And worse case scenario, life isn't great.......I know there is hope when I die. I know Who I will spend eternity with. Nothing else should matter. So in light of THAT, and not of my present circumstances, I am going to choose hope. To believe that things can be better. Life without hope is aimless. Pointless. And extremely depressing. Trust me. I have tried it.

Long time, no post!

I am back! I am now in an area where I have great signal, so I will start posting again :)
Quick update, we are now in Maryland. Greg is working at a plant here. He works a lot. Busy little bee. I started Zumba. Love it! So much fun. I had just recently found a church. I may still drive, it is about half an hour away. The preaching is just awesome. It is harder than you would think to find a preacher that preacher the word of His for what it is. Not what he would have. Or to make everyone feel good. This preacher is good.
Anyways, how have y'all been?

One Step at a Time

I have a saying I use a lot. Fake it till you make it. I will fully admit....I don't always "feel" like I want to do things. I may not always feel close to God. or Greg. or friends. or like cleaning. I have managed to allow those feelings to consume my relationships and dictate my actions. The more I choose to give in to those feelings, the further I drift.
When it comes to my relationship with God, it has gotten so cold (on my part) at times I wondered if I would ever find my way back. I didn't want to go to church, pray, read my Bible. And looking at where I had allowed myself to arrive and where I knew I wanted to be was flat out overwhelming. Ever been there? For some people it is in your marriage. Or a friendship. Or a parent-child relationship. But you know what? ONE STEP AT A TIME. If you just do SOMETHING, and you make effort, it is amazing at how the emotions will catch up. The more time you devote to a relationship, spiritual or physical, the more you will find yourself wanting to devote to it.
I started going to church, whether I felt like it or not. I knew God had not changed. He never changes. I prayed. Even if it was something super short. It was a start. And you know, it took a while but I found myself WANTING to spend time with God. Praying more often and for longer. Wanting to go to church.
The same goes for a relationship. Take one step. After that first step, it get SO much easier. ANY relationship can be saved. Seek God. Seek the good of the other person. Everything else will fall into place.

The other side of Mother's Day

I have gone back and forth about sharing this. This has been a private struggle of mine for 4 years. Only a few people know about this. But I know without a doubt I am NOT the only woman that has this struggle, if I give a new perspective maybe I can help someone.

Mother's Day is about celebrating all the Mothers out there. But for me, and all those other women that don't/can't have children, Mother's Day is another painful reminder of what we so desperately want. Due to my illness and the meds I must take, I am unable to have children. The future is up in the air. My health has definitely not cooperated. Adoption is expensive and not an option at this point. Maybe in a few years. I know God knows all things and has a plan for us. That knowledge though does not seem to help with the pain of the situation. Most people don't understand. It is really hard being around babies. Or pregnant women.

Mother's Day kind of brings it all to a head. Years before I was married I remember a co worker talking about how she would lay out of church on Mother's Day because it was too painful to be reminded of what she couldn't have. I thought she was being silly. But I understand now. But it makes me wonder how many women are suffering in silence? This is such an emotional subject, I know it is hard to talk about. But how about this Mother's Day, remembering ALL women. Those that WANT to be Mothers, and that in their own way, are.

I am lucky, I have my little guys. Taz, Ben, and Samson. My dogs get treated like children and help to fill that void a little. All our nephews and niece help too. And prayerfully, God will bless us with a little one someday. And I pray that He give peace to every woman this Mother's Day, those that have children and those that do not.