Wisdom

I was going through my VirtualHopeBox and this quote popped up. Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom- Aristotle. That really makes me wonder. I know this sounds silly, but I don’t really "know" myself. Sometimes I’ll look and be shocked by something new on my body. Or someone asks me what my favorite food or book or music is (Rescue by Lauren Daigle BTW) and I almost never have an answer. I don’t know me. I get so caught up in myself (sounds silly) in my own head, that I have forgotten who I am. So I am going to treat me like I treat Greg. I am going to start asking myself the hard questions; how do I feel, what do I like, where do I want to go, what are my dreams. I can’t really answer any of these right now. I just haven’t taken the time to get to know myself. 

So I will date me. Spend, serious, one on one time with myself. Journal. Find new music that I like. Read a random book my kindle suggests, read through my Bible faster, stick with my Bible studies because getting closer to the one that created me is a wonderful way of knowing myself. He knows me down to every hair on my head. Pretty amazing, isn’t it? To know THE God that created the universe cares about what is on my head. And I barely know my hair color. Oh the mysteries of the universe. 

And as it is Christmas time, let’s take a quick look at that God that because a baby a little over 2000 years ago. GOD became human. Human. For me. For you. For every single person that has ever walked this earth. For ME? I still haven’t figured out what is so special. My favorite thing about Christmas? Easter. He had to come, guarded by angels, as a baby so that Easter could happen. Without that death on the cross, there would have been no resurrection, and with no resurrection, the could be no salvation. And I would have been a mess. He grounds me when I bother to seek. He is always there to be sought. It is pretty simple. Start chatting with my Jesus, the baby that came this season, so He could save all of us. He isn’t some big ogre in the sky. Jesus referred to Him as our Father. Let’s go to Him in this manner. Always respectful, but honest. I don’t know about you but my dad seems to always know what is going on with me. One of the only ones that can read the pain. The joy. Always has. WE ALL have a Father like that. No matter how crappy your earthly father might have been. That baby that became a man wants you to know Him. 

This is all just coming out as I type. It is revelation to me. I truly think He is the key I had been missing. I had overlooked the importance of my relationship with Him in knowing myself. I’ve been a Christian for 17 years, but there are times I feel like a baby Christian learning things all anew. It can be amazing and amazingly frustrating. I got so sidetracked when I became bipolar. Lost complete touch with God. Just left Him. I was so confused with myself. I had no clue what was happening to myself. I was terrified. And euphoric. You only get that if you get bipolar. Go google. I’ll wait.,,,,,,,,Great, now you have a slightly better idea where I was coming from. I spent most of my time depressed with bouts of mania. I even blacked out once while manic and still don’t remember a lot of it. My mother was with me so that was both embarrassing and relieving. So in all that, I forgot to follow that One person that knows me and everything I go through. He could have made it less scary if I had sought Him.  But even before the bipolar for about a year I had become apathetic in my life. I knew it all, I was wise. Story done. How much there is still to learn. Like let’s start with a combo. It’s a doozy, who am I and who is He? I feel like starting in Ephesians and working through Galatians and Philippians. Always me favorite triplets. And I will take myself on a date. Maybe to a coffee shop with my journal. Or hey, you all are inspiring me. Maybe I can up my blogging some. I am so thankful that I couldn’t sleep and got on my VirtualHopeBox (look it up in your App Store......AMAZING!) and found this inspirational quote. 

Once I was blind, but now I see

So during my devotional/ Bible study time (I missed my devotional time this morning due to my Lowe’s trip) I had an epiphany. I am uncomfortable with Christ. With even thinking the words Jesus or Christ. I can readily call myself a Christian and to that I have no doubt. But I have been going through these studies that have opened my eyes. A Pruned Branch and 31 Days in the Gospel of John both by Susan Shipe. Today’s devotional was on grace. And approaching the throne of grace through the shed blood of Christ and that is when it dawned on me. I easily share every other part of my life and I will up date health info later in this blog but for now, I need to focus. This is important. The Bible study was great. About the blind man in John that Jesus made the clay and put on the man’s eyes and told to to wash in Siloam and he would be healed. It is a long story and I would suggest you read John 9 for the full backstory but it ends with ONCE I WAS BLIND BUT NOW I SEE. 

I feel like a baby Christian. I am 35 and have been a Christian since I was 17, at one time having memorized much of the Bible. Now I feel like I am starting over. And that is okay. I am excited. Like I was when I got saved. Even as I was journaling about this the devil was putting thoughts in my head that would make me angry and distract me. The Bible talks about taking every thought captive. I am not to the place where I can do that. Or maybe the fact that I know I can’t is a great place to start. Because I need Jesus Christ to do that for me. And you know what. I feel better. So you will see those words more often in my blogs. Jesus Christ. He gave so much for me. I was reading in one of the books the other day that salvation and works are directly tied. You can’t have salvation without works because salvation will drive you to good works. Due to physical limitiations I can’t commit to much but I can share. Share and share and share. I don’t know if anyone at all will read this. I never get feedback but I can do something for the One that gave His all for ME. For me. A lowly sinner. Worthless. He sees worth here. Isn’t that amazing?

My medical update isn’t quite as amazing. I have been exhausted for two weeks. Like bone deep all I can do is sleep tired. It took three doses of caffeine to get me to Lowes and back then I had to nap after lunch. Still jacked up on caffeine. Crazy huh? And then is goes away as quickly as it comes. I am ready for that part. Lol. The magic of disappearing. This isn’t the first time this has happened and probably won’t be the last. I changed anti depressants because of two reasons. I have been depressed for months and my pain is out of this world. Greg hasn’t had to refill my pain pills at their appointed time and I now have 5 left! Isn’t that great? I am changing psychiatrists. I believe. My former psychiatrist has been great just not aggressive. And I need aggressive. Or at least change. I am on too many meds. I want off some of them and he is willing to do that. I already feel less depressed. 

Greg and I are getting ready to embark on a life changing journey. Dr. Ann Meyers has a book call the Autoimmune Solution I believe. It is about completely changing your diet and supplements. It’s more than that but that is where we are starting. Plus there is this place in Nashville that does what is called "functional medicine." Kind of brings tradiontal and natural together. They do genetic and other testing to find the best way to treat and guide you I am really nervous and have dragged my feet getting the online paperwork done. But I will finish it today. I believe God is ordering my steps and as the head of this household this is the path Greg wants to take after much prayer. So I will follow him and Him. I believe God leads Greg. So that makes it easier to follow Greg. Even though I make it difficult for him sometimes. But this I will keep you up to date on.  We are still reading the book and will have an appointment with the clinic as soon as I finish the paperwork. It is time to change my life. I pray to God this works. 

The Whys of Today

I’ve asked this question so many times it is ridiculous. I still don’t completely understand the whys. But I do know I have learned so much from my illnesses. I wouldn’t have been near as empathic as I am now. I am not sure about what  my desire to help others push past what they are going through would have been otherwise. I wouldn’t be seeking God as I am. Although I went through a period of time where I blamed his. 

Now that brings me to a whole other why.  Why did God allow this to happen?  I spent so many years so mad at God. Furious. I never stopped believing in Him. But I stopped believing He loved me. If He loved me He would heal me. It didn’t help that I had gone to a church that believed God always healed. Always. And if He didn’t heal you it was because you didn’t have enough faith. That church was seriously off the mark. Nothing they taught was true. After years of anger, God finally started to soften my heart. We found a great church here in Jackson. That helped. They preach the truth from the BIBLE. Not man made scripture. Or twisted scripture. Hearing about God and who is He helped. He is good. He wanted what is best for us. What is best for us may not be a healing. And on this side of heaven I may never fully understand the why. 

Why.  Well, God can heal. That is shown throughout the Bible. But He also allows some to suffer. For the most part, we are given the stories throughout the Bible of those that He touched and healed. And by touched, I don’t always mean physically. What can we learn from suffering?  Like I said we can learn to be more empathic towards others if we allow. Knowing how we suffer and how much others might be, whether they show it or not may allow us to be kinder. To be gentler. If we allow this lesson. Others harden their hearts which is a shame. We learn reliance and humility. Some of us rely on others for care. Without my husband to take care of me I don’t know where I’d be. It is hard accepting help. Which is where humility comes in. We are humbled. Not humiliated. Just humbled. 

Reliance is the big one though. Not just reliance on others which is big for some of us, but reliance on God. Maybe those of us that are ill would never learn how much we truly need a savior. Someone that has been there. That know what suffering is. Jesus, God, came to earth. Simply to die for our sins. His entire ministry is wrapped up in that. He came to die. Brutally. He suffered horrendously. He knows physical pain. He can empathize. And He did it all for us. Now, if it ended there, then He would be like any other god.  Dead. But He isn’t dead and I can’t begin to tell you how excited this makes me. He snatched the keys to hell and rose again. He is ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Alive people. That makes Him different. He died. Truly died. And now he isn’t dead. For now, the devil roams the earth looking for those he can destroy. But I won’t be one of those. He won’t destroy me. I will follow my Lord. Jesus is coming back and when He does, those that are in Christ, those that have believed in Him. Not just believed honestly but have surrendered to Him will rise with Him. There will be no more suffering. No more pain. 

I will be healed. It may not be on this side of heaven. But it will happen. But for now, I will believe. I will believe that He is a God that cares. A God that loves me beyond anything I can possibly imagine and wants me full surrender. He wants me. Crazy huh? Messed up me. Unfaithful, sinner like me. I am a sinner still. I fail Him daily. Yet He still wants me. 

Now for the big reveal: How do I make it to heaven. It is so simple. He doesn’t make it complicated. You have to believe in Who He is. Who He says He is. Believe he is God come down to earth to die for our sins. Believe you are a sinner in need of a Savior. And simply ask Him into your life. It is that simple. You will change. I did over night but for some it is more gradual. And that is okay.  He is a loving, patient God. And He wants what is best for us. Knowing that makes me want to do better. I can’t tell you the sins He has set me free from. Because He loves me. I will end it on this note. There is nothing greater to add. Believe in Him and you will seal your place in heaven. No one will ever be able to steal that from you. I want to go to heaven. Hell doesn’t sound much fun. 

Pain and God

I have been up all night in pain. I am on my third bath. Two pain meds. And this doesn’t include the migraine I’ve had all day. Times like this it is easy to wonder where God is. If He loves us so much why do we suffer?

I truly believe it is for the good of ourselves and others. We grow during times of trials. Hopefully towards God. And in that growth we can help other people that suffer. I know when I was first diagnosis with all my diagnoses I needed to know it is just me. So I joined FaceBook group and found people just like me. Found friends. There are a few that to this day I still call friend. Ditto when I was diagnosed with Bipolar. I was scared and needed reassurance that I wasn’t crazy. Turns out I am not. My symptoms are normal. I have made a best friend in one of those groups. I have a few more conditions with which I joined groups. There is only one that I haven’t. Which I really need to because the doctor that had me diagnosed via biopsy didn’t exactly explain much to me. 

So why you ask? Why not you? God may have a wonderful ministry for you. He will have something for you that no one else is equipped to accomplished. We each have particular character and flaws. Those form us into who we are today. And tomorrow. How we evolve in life. God’s got you. He has a plan. Just because we don’t see it doesn’t mean it isn’t there. Philippians states that all things work together for good to those that are called according to His purpose. Walk closely with Him and you will be amazed at what you can accomplish. 

No Shame

Despite what some people may think, being bipolar isn’t something to be ashamed over.  I did nothing to deserve or induce it. It is a brain disease. My brain is hard wired incorrectly. So why do I talk about it? Awareness. I went years not knowing what was wrong with me. YEARS. Crazy huh?  No one caught the ups and downs. No matter how extreme. It was just a part of life. Right? No. It isn’t. So if I can save one person from going through what I put my family through I will continue to speak out. I have nothing to be ashamed about.

Why I am not afraid to speak out about my anxiety? My Behcet’s? My fibromyalgia? My Alport? My chronic migraines? Same. If I can save ONE person from the hell I have faced in my life or let one person know they aren’t alone I will continue using my words. Again, I did NOTHING to earn, deserve, or create any of it. Including the anxiety. It is an off shoot of PTSD which I sure didn’t create. You can blame my uncle, a dead pastor, and an ex boyfriend on that. It isn’t something I would wish on my worst enemy.

But you know what, I have so shame. I don’t know when I came to this point. Maybe God brought me here, combined with good therapy and medications. But I know none of it is my fault. So I will not be silenced. I will be speaking more on God, just as a heads up. I am doing more to seek Him. I have struggled with why I have gone through all I have. It has been a heavy load to carry. Which is weird since God tells us to bring our loads to Him and He will carry them. In that I have failed Him. But I believe my calling is life is my life. Helping others is something I want more than the air I breathe. I want other that are suicidal to know they aren’t alone. I have been there. It is something I have struggled with for years. YEARS. YEARS. How I am still here is simply by the grace of God.  I can’t tell you the days that I didn’t think I could survive. You aren’t alone. None of you. You aren’t alone.

So there we go. The entirety of my new blog. I am going to be real. And try to blog often. Just like I am trying to journal. God has lead me down a path and I will walk it. I just hope you will walk it with me. I love you all and wish the best for you. Just know that God can use your struggles for good if you will let Him. And if you ever have questions about the God I speak of, I am here.  For any questions really. Just comment. We can privately talk. Get ahold of me on FaceBook. I am not of Twitter much but I will if that. I will share all my handles next go around. There are numerous ways to get ahold of me. Let’s start with my email.   Katiedids34@gmail.com or mrskatiehall@gmail.com or my cell (text only) 423-291-9307. Let me know who you are or not. We can chat. I will turn off my do not disturb tonight. So I am available whenever. I will get back to you as soon as cell signal allows. Love to you all.

741-741

This is a text crisis line that I had to use this evening. They are there for anyone in crisis, for any reason.  For me, tonight I am feeling so depressed and anxious. Feels like my mental pain will never end. I just started a new med so we have yet to see how it is going to work.

I am debating changing psychiatrists. Mine when it comes to my anxiety she has said there is nothing left she can do and if it continues I need to go in patient. Ain’t happening. At all. There has to be an answer out there. I have a friend that has a dr she really likes I am going to try for at the very least a second opinion.

I just feel so lost sometimes. And I can’t be completely honest with my therapist because she can tell my psych what I say even when I don’t want anyone else to know. Some things just need to stay between a therapist and client. As long as there is no harm in the situation there shouldn’t be a problem. I am going to check out the legalities here. Surely there is some sort of privilege.

Not my therapist, but overall I am still ready for a change. The person on the other end of the crisis line, Luri, was extremely helpful. I got a new coping mechanism. If it doesn’t involve sight, close my eyes.  Focus on ONE sense. How something feel. The way the water moves over your skin. That kind of thing. Pet your dog and focus on the dog alone. I am still not sure about how sight would work but this was so helpful. Maybe it can help someone else.  REACH out if you need the help. You don’t even need to talk to anyone. Just text. And it is a 24/7 line.

The Day in the Life of a Spoonie

https://butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/

So today, I woke up numerous times during the night in pain. The scale 9 type. That sucks the spoons right of you. So me and pain meds and anti anxiety meds were friends.  Which sucks the spoon right out of you. Luckily, I got some more sleep.  I had to be up a little earlier than usual because I have an appointment (that I had already rescheduled) to get my port flushed. Today there just wasn’t enough spoons for a shower and barely enough for dry shampoo. I am still wearing yesterdays makeup. Once I wake up, I have to feed the dogs and give Taz his insulin, which is draining.  Hurting my poor baby twice a day.  He has no clue why it is happening to him.  Poor guy doesn’t care for needles. Then I left and got my port flushed.  They missed the first time and got it the second. The surgeon inserted it deep. So sometimes they have a hard time getting it. About that time I had a migraine start. Probably the stress of the situation.

I get home and play with the dogs.  They chill with me on the bed a lot so especially when Taz wants to play he gets to. Then the pain got so bad I just had to lay down.  I was hoping I could skip the Maxalt for my migraine. I take it more than am comfortable with. Didn’t work. I woke up when Greg got home for lunch with a killer headache. So I took one. And some other pain meds just to make sure.

I have plans today. I have to see my psychiatrist at 2:30. Non negotiable.  I am about out of a new medicine.  I am supposed to meet with the pastor and his wife later. That will require more brain activity. Not sure I have it in me to make it the far. If Greg wasn’t coming to get me for my appt I don’t know what I would do. I am so blessed to have him.  As of now, I am done. But I have to find spoons somewhere to make it at least through this next appt.

Understanding spoonies and what we go through and are able to do is important. You have friends that go through this. Be courteous and considerate. There is only so much most of us can do.  Some days I have more than others.  Today is not one of those days. I can barely keep my eyes open now. At least all the pain meds has my headache down to a 5. Manageable.

Up All Night

So I have been up since 1. Pain will do that to you. I am just thankful it was not anxiety related. My psychiatrist recently changed my anxiety meds and I feel much better. And not foggy in my brain. So win win.

She also changed up my meds for my bipolar. Added Saphris. Seems to be making a difference. For the last few months I have been yoyoing with my emotions.

Not only that but Taz has been sick. My 12 year old Yorkie. He was dx with diabetes October 29 of last year. His blood sugar had been bad. Like we took good bye pictures and I had a cremator picked out. Then our vet sent us to a specialist. He has worked wonders with my baby. He initially put Taz on 3 units of insulin. He had been on 9. Dr Bondy said he didn't want to chase a number. He wanted to see improvement in his life. Less water intake. Less peeing. Fewer signs of diabetes. There was a change almost immediately. This last visit he did a doggie a1c test which showed his blood sugar has been running low. LOW!!!!! We dropped him to 2.5 units and will retest in 3 weeks.

Taz will also see an ophthalmologist because he has cataracts in both eyes.

Then on top of all that Greg was in KY for 3 months. He got to come home on the weekends or if I needed him. Which I tried to be independent. I had a couple friends help get me places.

Overall I think I did pretty good. No hospitalizations. Which usually happens when Greg is gone. I think Taz needing me helped.

I have started a new work book with my therapist with the ACT method. I see her today. Good luck, right?

The Second Beginning

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton

Up All Night

I've been up since 1 am.  Pain will do that to you.  I am just thankful it is not anxiety keeping me up tonight.  My psychiatrist just changed my anxiety meds again and it seems to be the trick.  My anxiety levels are down and that is a miracle considering all that has been going on in my life the last few months.

First off, my bipolar hasn't been stable.  I've been swinging emotionally, not as bad as before but still swinging.  Dr. just added Saphris to the combo.  It seems to be making me feel really hngngry.  I just have to tell myself it is the medicine..  I am not really hungry.